The Kili conquerors begin their climb
Planning and Preparation
To climb Kilimanjaro, you have to hire a company to guide you up the mountain. As in, you're not even allowed to go by yourself. So step one is to find a company to take you up. Additionally, there are a number of different routes you can take, and each route can be done in a variable number of days. Step two, then, is to decide on a route, as well as the number of days you want to dedicate to the climb.
We did a bunch of research, reached out to a number of companies, and eventually decided on doing the 8-day Lemosho route with Popote Adventures.
If by "we did a bunch of research" you mean "Jandro reached out to some swanky acquaintances who recommended glam climbs that cost upwards of $5000, prompting Mirek to apply his ninja research skills and find Popote at less than half the price," then yea. We did a bunch of research.
OK, OK, props to Jandro for getting the ball rolling and continuing to push it forward. Jandro is good at balls.
The Lemosho route involves 8 days of hiking, so 7 nights sleeping on the mountain.
Note all the shorter, non-Lemosho routes, shown in gray
The total distanced traversed is 43 miles, and the expected time hiking clocks in at around 40-50 hours. Note that, on average, this means that it takes more than one hour to walk a single mile. Expect to hear a LOT of "polepole" ("poh-leh poh-leh"). No hurry, mon.
A lot of time is spent getting acclimated at around 13,000 feet (raw data)
Also note that the total up-and-down distance adds up to 29,900 feet, and that doesn't include any of the acclimatization hikes or terrain in between. Which is to say: "polepole" will do just fine.
Why Popote? First, at $1960 per person, they were reasonably priced. We were on a budget, and this was the cheapest pricing I could find that didn't dip into sketchy territory. Second, Popote has a ton of terrific reviews on TripAdvisor, giving us confidence that they're the real deal.
Why the 8 day Lemosho route? To maximize the odds everyone makes it to the top. Turns out large percentage of climbers don't due to altitude sickness. The longer you climb, the more time there is to acclimate, the more likely you'll make it.
A few days make a big difference. The summit success rate for 5-day routes is 27%, whereas for 8-day routes it jumps up to 85%. The aggregate success rate is estimated to be between 45% and 65% (source).
SPOILER ALERT: we absolutely loved Popote, and would most emphatically recommend both Popote and the 8-day Lemosho route.
Day 1: And so it begins
Our Kilimanjaro climb officially kicked off early Monday morning. We paid the remainder of our dues, rented some last-minute gear, and climbed on a bus packed with the 22 bros that were to constitute our Kili-climb caravan.
The crew meets the crew
No joke: the Popote crew consisted of 18 porters, 3 guides, and 1 cook. It takes a veritable village to take you to the top, and every single one of these homeboys hustle so that your altitude-addled ass can ascend without hassle.
Last beer and mboozi ("goat") before the great prohibition
The drop-off point was a 2-3 hour drive away. We made a quick pit stop along the way at an OG local restaurant, where we nom'd on some goat and snuck in a few last-minute beers.
We were also treated to a hilarious scene where our head guide, Big Swingin' Dixon, threateningly raised his sugarcane beatstick at a drunk buddy of his who was getting lippy. Dixon don't fuck around. We knew then we were in good hands.
Left: Big Swingin' Dixon swinging his big... stick
Right: JAMALI JAMALI JAMALI JAMALI
We eventually arrived at the Londorossi Gate, where our climb began in earnest.
Who's stoked to climb some Kili!? THESE GUYS!!
Veritably bursting with energy, we hit the trail and... found ourselves crawling along at a tectonic one-mile-per-hour pace. Pause for a moment to think about that. Normally a mile takes you about 20 minutes to walk. Ours were taking 60 minutes. I'm pretty sure continental plates move faster than that.
This is actually a video. Stare at it for a while to get a sense for our pace.
I'm guessing our guides were trying to gauge our level of fitness, and otherwise trying to set expectations. At higher altitudes, going this slow is a must.
"Thinking of Barak"
And to be honest, it was nice to chill and take in the scenery: we saw a few monkeys, learned about some of the flora, and I found an awesome walking stick we named "Big Swingin' Dixon."
The Big Swingin' Dixon challenge: Jandro, unbidden, said he'd pay me $50 if I managed to lug the stick all the way up to the top of Kili and back down. Challenge accepted, my foolish amigo!
This is the SECOND-best monkey pic of the trip. Just you wait.
We arrived at Mti Mkubwa Camp (altitude: 8694 feet) just as it was getting dark, our sleeping tents setup, or dining tent prepared, and dinner already cooking. Porter crew FTW.
Left: stepping aside so our porters can sprint ahead
Right: "we're so badass for carrying a tiny daypack for 5 whole miles!"
We ate dinner in big a green mess tent, which would serve as our evening chillspot every night after the sun went down.
"According to my calculations we have about... 7 days left"
Our homeboy Yula, the WC Overlord, even gave us a demonstration of how to use our private toilet (on the right is your public alternative).
Matthew's just pouting 'cause he thought he'd get a private demonstration
Before tucking us in, our guides told us to make sure to wear our headlamps whenever we wake up at night to go pee, otherwise we might get, you know, shot.
Sidenote on getting shot: Mti Mkubwa Camp is still fairly close to civilization, and a decade or so ago were problems with locals sneaking up at night and stealing stuff from hikers' tents. The park dealt with the issue by posting up a bunch of dudes with machine guns, who now patrol around at night - presumably shooting anyone without a headlamp.
Corollary takeaway for locals: if you wanna sneak up and steal shit at Mti Mkubwa Camp, be sure to bring a headlamp.
Day 2: The Mzungu Kichaa
Fortunately, we all had headlamps, so no one got shot - especially not Jandro. Fearful of facing our gun toting guardians, he took midnight matters into his own hands, whipped his own weapon through a slim crack in the tent...
It was a very, very small crack
... aaaaand proceeded to pee all over his tent.
Isaac: "Dude I totally dare you to dip your shoelaces in your own urine"
Jandro: "Done"
Our messy Mexican continued his campaign of liquid liability the very next morning, when he spilled a mug-full of coffee on the tarp carrying all our packed bags.
Left: Jandro embracing his role as Phil-for-the-day
Right: just 'cause we're climbing Kili doesn't mean we can't look cute
The potty humor prize of the day, however, went to Matthew. Never one to be outdone on fecal matters - and perhaps still upset he never got his private tour - Matthew decided to forgo the toilet tent...
Left: cute group photo in front of the toilet tent!
Right: Matthew's still pouting
... in favor of soiling the soil of the woods.
Judging by his expression, this was an exceptionally enjoyable experience
Day two was another chill 5-mile / 2,000 foot jaunt. The first half of the climb had us continuing on through the rainforest, though before long we were up in the Heather-Moorland Zone.
Aside on climate zones: Kilimanjaro spans 5 distinct climate zones
1 - Cultivated Zone (<6000ft): farmland and villages
2 - Rainforest Zone (<9000ft): if you guessed 'rainforests', high-five!
3 - Heather-Moorland Zone (<13000ft): brushland and large temp swings
4 - Alpine Desert Zone (<16000ft): volcanic rock and altitude sickness
5 - Arctic Zone (>1600ft): snow, glaciers, total badasses
The tall trees started thinning out, and soon we were surrounded by miles and miles of shrubs. The views were starting to get epic. We paused at a particularly scenic clearing to take a break and went on a photo frenzy.
Left: chewing on nuts. Right: sucking on... water.
THIS is the best monkey picture of the trip
This only being day 2 of our climb, our guides had yet to grasp the draining depths of our depraved and boisterous banter, and all three of them accompanied us for the full duration of the day's climb.
Guide #1: Big Swingin' Dixon (lookin' like a gangsta)
Guide #2: Sironga (going hard some sugarcane)
Guide #3: Sanka (thumbs up...ish?)
After a 5 straight hours of "Sanka, how do you say monkey in Swahili?" and "Hey Jandro, you're a fat ugly monkey!", they wisely devised a rotation schedule. Henceforth: one day with the loud Americans, two days to recover.
A quick lesson in Swahili (just the essentials, our full list here):
"Mzungu" - white person
"Mahfutah" - fart
"Keemah" - monkey
"Mnene" - fat
"Hassiri" - ugly
"Kichaa" - crazy
"Poa-kacheezy kah-man-deezee" - go crazy like a bananaIn Swahili, an adjective follows the noun it describes. So, for instance, to say "crazy white person," you'd say "mzungu kichaa." Which, incidentally is what our guides called us from pretty much here on out.
One phrase we never quite uncovered the meaning of what was "mambo ne kulana-tu." What we do know: 1) Jandro said it like 5 million times, 2) passing porters giggled every time, and 3) our guides kept promising they'd tell us what it means "later."
Bromances a-buddin'
We eventually pieced together that it has something to do with the speaker expressing affection for the manhood of another. All I'll say for now is to take note of the fact that Sanka taught the phrase specifically to Jandro.
We arrived at Shira Camp 1 (11,483 feet) just in time for lunch.
Our enthusiasm knows no bounds
Here we were treated to an epic 15-minute sing-and-dance serenade by the entire porter posse.
Move along, Toto: we blessed the rains down in Africa, as we danced and spun and swayed and sang on slopes of Kilimanjaro.
Gettin' groovy with Big Swingin' and Yula the WC Overlord
You'd be backing it up too if you'd finally accomplished your life-long dream
Aside on Isaac's life-long dream: a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Isaac was a contestant on a Survivor-like television show called "Endurance." You can find all sorts of juicy tidbits about this "big-time jock" on his fandom bio.
Aside on Isaac's bio: inexplicably not mentioned is the fact that he got on said show primarily on the merit of his impeccably edited application video: an unrivaled masterpiece of composition, and the lifetime cinematic accomplishment of the very author composing these words...
But I doubly digress. Fortunately mentioned in said bio (and please, I really do implore you to read it) is Isaac's "life goal," as reported on his application: "go to Africa and dance with the natives."
Which is to say: life goal accomplished, bitches.
Since we got in so early, we got a chance to meet with some of the crew, toss around the frisbee, and do a bit of reading.
Wolgan the Chef and da boiz delivering some primo chow
The man known only as Dish Dude; never one to talk, ever one to smile
Isaac and Matthew ventured out on a solo photo quest and snapped some snazzy snaps.
Left: Isaac looking like a ninja. Right: Isaac looking like Bigfoot.
It was during this time that we got our only rain of the trip: a brief 20 minute shower that was over almost before it began.
How did a cute picture manage to sneak its way in here!?
That night we were treated to a sky coated with more stars than I've ever seen in my life. It was absolutely breathtaking. Using Isaac's star-gazer app, we were able to locate 4 distinct planets that were visible to the naked eye. That's insane.
Some epic views to fall asleep / wake up to
Day 3: Hitting Acclimatization Altitude
We woke the next day to frost on the ground: it was definitely getting significantly colder in the evenings.
I'm happy to report Jandro's tent made it through the night unscathed
Don't let the chilly evenings fool you, though. It still gets nice and toasty during the day, and due to the thin atmosphere, its really easy to get sunburned. That's the Heather-Moorland Zone for ya.
But you already know that, from the aside on the five climate zones, didn't you? You diligent reader, you. Give yourself one more high-five.
There's not much elevation gain between Shira Camp 1 and Shira Camp 2 (about 1,300 feet). Most of the going is pretty flat, and full of stunning scenes like this one.
"And thus the fellowship ventured forth, the dark spires of Kilimanjaro looming ominously in distance - filled with fear, yet full of hope."
Along the way we took a detour to climb Shira Cathedral Point, which has some breathtaking views of the Shira caldera.
Aside on the calderas: Kilimanjaro is a system of three distinct volcanic cones: Shira, Mawenzi, and Kibo. Shira and Mawenzi are extinct, but Kibo (the highest peak) is merely dormant, and could one day explode again.
Quick tinder pic pit stop!
Here we paid our respects to the bros of couldntmakeitmanjaro: we missed you, bros.
Left: moment of silence for failimanjarbro 1
Right: avatar pic with failimanjarbro 2
Our final destination for the day was Shira Camp 2 (12,795 feet).
Isaac getting him some polepole
About 13,000 feet is roughly where altitude sickness starts hitting, and it's around here that Soph started feeling a bit not-so-great.
Left: "Oh no, look! A cold breeze coming in at exactly knee-level!"
Right: "I dare you to take a fucking picture right now"
We'll be staying at this altitude for about 3 days. This is why the Lemosho route has the highest summit rate: your body gets a few days to get acclimated at this 13,000 feet altitude sickness threshold.
Enough with the cuteness already!
Our streak of amazing weather continued, and we spent the afternoon catching up on some reading. The temperature swings were pretty extreme: as long as the sun was out, you could sunbath pantless...
Skies out thighs out, baby!
... but as soon as it hid behind a cloud, temperatures insta-dipped to holy-balls-cold.
Unless you're Jandro and your balls need constant bundling
The sunset here was absolutely breathtaking, and Matthew just about lost his mind about how dope the lighting was.
Ninja kick to cool off!
Speaking of ballin'...
"You are... my fiiiiiire. The one... desiiiiiiire"
Mount Meru, poking up in the distance, clocks in at a respectable 14,977 feet
We were treated to another wicked sky of stars, and we fell asleep on silent slopes, spent but undaunted, Kili half-way conquered.
PHOTO DISCLOSURE: pretty much all the (good) photos in this post are courtesy of SkinnyFatNatz Photography